It hurts too much to even cry out the pain I feel inside.

I heard of My Sister’s Keeper on The Oprah Show . It was about a girl diagnosed with  leukemia – blood cancer and the only way to save her is to sacrifice her sister. The word ‘cancer’ ignited a spark inside me , somehow … my mind started to dwell with painful events that happened early this year that I avoided thinking of, let alone bringing up the subject during dinner .

 

 

 

 

 

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If only you’re here to see how much I missed you, how your departure had left a great impact on my life , how much I want you to be able to talk to me again ..

 

But what’s gone .. is gone ..

Ashamed of who I was .

An old picture of myself :-) in the cab on the way to KL Sentral to attend Asia Super Model Searc h 2008 and unfortunately, I didn’t even manage to get into finals .

I’m really ashamed of who I was . I did many stupid things in the past and I have a lot of regrets in life . Not listening to my mom lead me to who I am today. My advise to all teen girls out there is always listen to your mom, don’t be rebellious and get all whiny and fucked up when she doesn’t let you out. For the world is cruel..harsh….cold and human beings are cunning..intelligent..mind fucking..

I was mind fucked most of the time because I wasn’t the most intelligent person in my group , I was manipulated and used by “friends” ..

I still remember there was once I was hanging in a friend’s house, and 20 pills of ecstasy went missing . ( We all knew who took it in the end – once a thief, always a thief ) And everyone suspected me . But what the heck , will I be so silly to put myself into danger for carrying 20 pills of ecstasy , it will definitely be enough to get me nailed at Section 15 (1) (A) . Thank God I had an eye witness, I was with her all the time .

I didn’t realize what was going on , till I was getting cornered to tell whether I took it or not . A dumbcunt – yes you can call me that . But sorry douche bag, the truth will always come up.

Another time I was in my ex boyfriend’s house , it was only the three of us – me , my ex and his partner . A packet of meth went missing when he woke up . I was busy playing PS2 and had no witness at the moment, his partner was out but came back and into the room once , and my ex – sleeping the whole time..

When he woke up and accused me for stealing , I started crying . How could he even think that I steal his meth . I loved him , but what made me chau tut was how could he even think of me like that, that disgusts me . But the truth came up , the fatfcuk was then kicked out from his house and till now, nobody knows if my ex smoked all of it before he sleep or either that fatfcuk partner took it .

God damn it , I sound like a freaking lawyer trying to collect information and analyze it .

What’s my point is , don’t be a freaking douche bag and go against your mom . She’s like freaking 40 years old and seen the world twice as much as you so-called seen it , she knows a lot more than you knew.

What I did to my family was unforgivable and disgusting .

I hit my dad , I hit my mom , I didn’t go home for months , I hit my brothers , I insulted them , I broke my grandpa’s heart … in the very end, when I went psycho , they still love me the very same , ta pao KFC for me while I was in the hospital, bought a PSP for me to entertain me ..

Basically , I am spoilt .

If I didn’t stop what I was doing , I think I will end up in a prostitution den , selling my body for more meth .. than who I am today , still studying in a private school , sleeping in a nice room and getting whatever I want .

You have a choice , plan A or B .. And it’s up to you douche bags if you all want to screw your future :)

P.S. Yes, I'm so freaking bossy and good at telling you what to do and what not to do, but when it comes down all to myself, I can barely help myself . I'm very lost at this point and the 'L' word is driving me nuts . I'm an over achiever , and I'm a perfectionist . And that's the fucking problem , I always need a 100% OR I won't bother doing it at all . It's always all or nothing . So here I am, standing at the route where I had to choose and make a decision , two roads diverged into the woods , and I had already chosen the road less traveled on , and that has totally made all the fucking differences , and I still have not learn , learn to say NO to drugs, learn to say NO to fucking around, learn to say NO to what will destroy my life :-(

To be honest, I'm not clean .... I'm not sober ....

And I can't tell anyone else .. Cause they all have hopes on me , and if I tell , I'll be the shit bag that shatter their hopes and faiths on me .

Sigh , I can only pray someone will hold my hand and tell me what to do.

Room makeover 101

A bedroom can really tell alot about a person .

The colours there, the way it’s furnished ..

Telling a difference between a drug addict’s room and an average girl’s room is really easy !

The objects you should look out for in your child’s closet in case of suspected drug abuse are ..

lighters .. glass .. aluminium foil .. candles .. white tape ..

The “in” candles now, apple scent from Ikea :-)

We are really smart and creative, we are very productive too :-)

We can make a bong out of almost everything in the house .

This is how my room used to look like .

After I quit , mom and I decided to throw out everything and re-furnish my whole room with Ikea .

This is how my new room look like now :-)

I used to be pretty but now it’s just lumps of fats .

Before …

After …

I’m really uncomfortable with how I look right now . I used to be really pretty and hot but now it’s all plain fats a little here and there .

So what happened to my body ? Well I was diagnosed with drug induced psychosis and I had no choice but to cure that sickness cause it really drove me nuts .

I was on Abilify 5 mg, Arripriprazole 10mg , Lexapro 10 mg, Olanzapline 10 mg, Topamax 10mg, Serequal 50 mg, Xanax 5 mg and so on ..

And results …

I had gained so much weight , from 35 kg to 55 kg.

What the fuck .

I felt damn uncomfortable and terasa when people kept asking me “ What happened la Elvina ? “
Can’t they just shut the fuck up , I’m fat enough already :(

I can barely fit into any jeans or skirts from my closet .

Sigh . Can someone comfort me ? Because of my weight , I had to smoke shit again to lose weight and it’s making me nuts and paranoid again .

Meth… My best friend and Priceless Pictures.

Ever wonder what’s Meth ? What the fuck is the fuss all about on Meth issues and all ?

Let me tell you .. Meth is my best friend.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to encourage you to take Meth or get started on a journey as fucked up and hard as mine is , but the temptation still lingers on , damn ..

Meth look like this :)

Pure form, crystal Meth.

Meth in its baggie ( plastic bag – we called it baggie )

And we smoke it using a bong .

Small tiny winy bong .

It might be a little confusing here because I customized my bong , added polka dots tin to it , ribbon and all those crazy shiats to it .

:)

Enjoy .

Pictures courtesy Wikipedia and Christal Natasha De Cruz.

I really miss hanging out in Professor Gary's house, despite being mindfuck all the time, I actually enjoy spending my time there with Au Kah Pouz . Damn, anyone borrow me a time reverse ?

Au Kah Pouz :)

Professor smoking some ice.

Mamak Clubbers

so who and wtf are mamak clubbers ?

mamak clubbers are a bunch of people who dress up like damn fucking hot and chun , just to go where ? …..

mamaks …

they dress as if they’re entering the clubs and the ah nehs are the bouncers hoping that they’ll get a free cocktail mamak special teh oh ais by squeezing their boobs together :)

so who are these mamak clubbers indo mee grinders ?

specificly but not detailed enough, one  of them is called AA .

AA stands for double A batteries , double A cup and also … her name’s initial .

AA called me fat on a Halloween night this year while we were standing outside Scarlet . Hello she said i was staring at her in a way that i think somehow, harressed her . Must be la . Her bra revealing and all, how can I not stare .

Plus she was being geisha for Halloween . I swear when I get rich, I want to hire hitman to kill people who uses foundation that doesn’t match with their skin tone, example : 2721726718271817u7371234567812526678 tones lighter than actual skin colour .

That is what I call, a geisha .

Enough la being mean calling me fat , enough la saying I’m staring at her in a way ( without knowing what attracts me is her double A bras revealing ) .. lagi want to kill me and round off attack being geisha for halloween , her fucking foundation doesn’t match !

PM me for pictures :) I got plenty since she added me on facebook ( god knows why har har har I stalk you bitch )

MAMAK CLUBBERS . don’t be mean to them when you see them, give them a teh o ais :)

You will never change

I’m so fucking angry at you. I hope you read my blog and I hope you’re not okay . I fucking hate you . No I’m not jealous at what I saw or read , I fucking need a place to vent and I decided to express this at my blog to let people know what a fucked up bastard you are .

You are a son of a bitch . Your mom’s a bitch . Fucking cheap skank .

You always said I’ll never change, how about you? You haven’t change in a slight bit yet . Not a tad little . Not even a bit . Still the same huh – smoking up as usual, what a useless bastard. Least I changed, I grown into a fat bitch .

My ex tuition teacher from Edusmart taught me a quote when I was young – digging your own grave and she meant by watching too much television . I meant by smoking too much meth .

I hope you read my blog , stop dragging everyone I love into drugs, stop bringing them over to your place if you seriously care for your friends . Would I trust you with my life ? HELL NO .

You dragged 2 different circle of friends to Hell two fucking times and this time , you’re dragging someone my age . Get someone your age old man!

FUCK YOU!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

FUCK ALL THE WEIGHT I PUT ON! FUCK IT ON YOU!

FUCK YOU!